June 21, 2008

Saturday Smile

Report from the Pastor Search Committee:

We do not have a happy report to give. We have not been able to find asuitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect.Thank you for your suggestions. We have followed up on each one withinterviews or by calling at least three references. The following is ourconfidential report.

ADAM: Good man but has problems with his wife. One reference told us how heand his wife enjoyed walking nude in the woods.

NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealisticbuilding projects.

JOSEPH: A big thinker, but a braggart; believes in dream interpreting andhas a prison record.

MOSES: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator; even stutters at times.Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings. Some say heleft an earlier church over a murder charge.

DEBORAH: One word --- Female.

DAVID: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair hehad with his neighbor's wife.

SOLOMON: Great preacher, but serious woman problem.

ELIJAH: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.

HOSEA: A tender and loving pastor, but our people could never handle hiswife's occupation.

JONAH: Told us he was swallowed up by a great fish. He said the fish laterspit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

AMOS: Too much of a country hick. Backward and unpolished. With someseminary training, he might have promise; but he has a hang-up againstwealthy people.

JOHN: Says he is a Baptist, but doesn't dress like one. May be too Pentecostal. Tends to lift both hands in the air to worship when he getsexcited. You know we limit to one hand. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weirddiet, and provokes denominational leaders.

PETER: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper, even said to have cursed. He's aloose cannon.

PAUL: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. However, he's short ontact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preachall night.

TIMOTHY: Too young.

JESUS: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000, Hemanaged to offend them all; and his church dwindled down to twelve people.Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he is single.

JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Goodconnections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach thisSunday in view of a call.